Today was a zero. Not a day for blogging, honestly, but I'm trying to stick with this and I should record days like this, too, so I have something to go by. Skipped work today. I unplugged, too: no social media, no Internet catchup. Just a hole in the calendar. I did catch up on some podcast backlog, though. Therapy got canceled, which was both opportune and not. Opportune because I really didn't feel like going, but also inopportune because I really didn't feel like going, so it probably would have been better if I'd gone. Could have used it, maybe. As it is, I'm just fucking unmoored today. It's a bad scene. I know I won't want to deal with work tomorrow, again, and I know I can't get back into that habit. Back into that space. Was hoping today I could get my head right. I know...it's a process. And this is just a stumble; I can't lose hope or will or whatever the fuck it is that people tap into to keep going about their lives. Days like today are the ones that make me think more about medication. The bad depression days and the bad anxiety days, those are the ones where I keep thinking if there was a pill I could take to not feel this way, I would take it. And then I realize that there are pills I could take, at least theoretically. Sometimes I wonder what stops me, except that I've been professionally advised against it and I know I don't think it's for me anyway. An unexpected day away from the world once in a while, I guess that's my pill. Doesn't always work, I suppose.
I dunno. Feel shitty. I feel on some level like I've failed. Again. I know my therapist would say I haven't, but I can't take that at face value. I remember now (too late, maybe) that last week's mission was to focus on the good that I could find, to recognize that acknowledging the good parts doesn't really mean ignoring the bad parts, but I can't stop it from feeling that way. I can feel the imbalance, and it weighs me down. There's so much I'm not doing right. Which I realize intellectually is not the same thing as not doing anything right, but I can say with some confidence that I didn't do anything right today.
Hell with it. Tomorrow's another day, and it's not going to be magically better on its own. I gotta work at this shit.
Tuesdays, right? This wasn't the usual Tuesday, but it was still a bummer. Fuck it.