Rob Abrazado (flatvurm) wrote,
Rob Abrazado

My day so far

So I got up normal-early this morning and took the garbage and recycling outside. It's not a bad way to start the day; it kind of makes a weird anchor to the practicalities of the world, a reminder that civilization is not necessarily collapsing all around me. My refuse will be gathered by hardworking people and transported somewhere far away where it doesn't have to concern me. I realize that, by and large, the "civilized" want the same thing to happen to human trash as well, but I suppose that's only natural. Later I took a crap into some perfectly potable water and flushed it all away, again, far off to who-knows-where so it ceases to be my problem. In fact...there are many, many things that aren't my problem. I'm trying to state this fact in as emotionally neutral a way as I can, but there it is. There are many problems in the world, most of which don't actually concern me. I think my little meltdown last night has a lot to do with the conflict I feel about that statement.

On the one hand, it is certainly a blessing that I face as few troubles as I do. On the other hand, there is a certain amount of...guilt, let's say...attached to that sentiment. I sometimes feel unnecessarily privileged, though I realize it's also a commentary on the world around me that the "privilege" I feel at this point stems largely from having a roof over my head, no painful debilitating illnesses, and a life without the fear that I may at any time be subject to random violence, either by my peers or the authorities. When I think of the troubles I do have, though, and feel so overwhelmed by them, I feel very weak and pointless. I feel as should be somehow easy for me to "make it" in the world, whatever that means, and the fact that I'm failing to do so makes me kind of a failure as a human being. I know that's overstating the facts of the matter a bit, but I'm just saying...that's what's inside.

You know...I kinda feel like I'm abandoning this thing mid-thought, which I hate to do, but I'm going to have to abandon this thing mid-thought. All I really wanted to say when I started this post was: it's the next day, and I'm not feeling quite so bad. I know that suddenly sounds hard to believe, but...well, there it is. I want to say thanks to you guys chipping in with your thoughts. Things...aren't as bad as they sound. I mean, for sure I win no awards for suddenly realizing that there's badness in the world. It's just a little bit of a rough time, is all, and the overall theme to my outlook these days is kind of...helpless. A brother can have a few bad days, though, right? It'll be fine...I'm just trying to exorcise some of the things that I'm having trouble getting a handle on. I always appreciate your thoughts and comments, everybody. I'm just sayin'...this isn't all there is. It's just what's on my mind.

P.S. So I figured out why my room has seemed to be so much colder than I expect it to be. It turns out one of my windows was open up at the top where I never look and couldn't see anyway because I always have the blinds drawn. FSM only knows how long it's been like that; to think I've been spending the fall wondering how all these damn mosquitoes were getting in. Anyway, so having addressed that, at least now I probably won't be feeling that mysterious draft any more. See, things are better already.
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