Rob Abrazado (flatvurm) wrote,
Rob Abrazado

A whole lesser than the sum of its parts

Still feeling under the weather, or at least enough so that I felt justified in taking a short day at work, so that gave me a chance to enjoy another installment of the Video Game Movie Project. Today's feature: BloodRayne. As I mentioned before, I was initially going to skip this one, since I mentally file that game under the nebulous "sexified" category. However, failedoptimist changed my mind with a rec, so...there you go.

I didn't do much research on the flick, so imagine my growing excitement during the opening credits. So, dudes, check out this lineup. Playing the lead: I dunno, some hot chick. That's fine. Unexciting, but as it should be. But then look what else we've got going on here. Michael Madsen? Sweet. Michelle Rodriguez? Okay, generally nice to see her. I a way, this movie was going to be a tiebreaker of sorts for her in my mind. Like, I was really happy with her in Resident Evil. But then...she made Blue Crush, ya know? So, yeah, I was looking forward to her performance. Meat Loaf? Always a winner. Ben Kingsley! Dude...GANDHI is in this?! I settled in for a nice ride.

Okay, It was decent enough, as these things go. The real disappointment for me was the buildup I got when the credits were rolling. I mean, come on...if you sat me down and said, "Okay, here's a movie with these people in it..." I'd be mad excited. Sadly, it never really seemed to come together. Michelle did her thing, and it was a'aight. Michael Madsen...well, I've come to the conclusion that he should only play villains. Meat Loaf...still always a winner. Ben Kingsley...okay, Ben, you're awesome, you know I think that, but god DAMN that was the worst performance I've ever seen out of you. Also...Billy Zane was rumored to be in this, but I totally missed him. Not that I mind that much; my fanhood of Billy Zane basically begins and ends with Zoolander. Still, he must have been pretty low key in this film. Ah, and then there was the hot lead chick. That was fine...she was hot, and she was the lead chick. I didn't expect much from her, and I wasn't disappointed. We'll just leave it at that. (Though...I did look her up on IMDB, just to see if I should have known of her already. Turns out she was the female Terminator in T3. Well, great; now I suddenly and retroactively expect even less of her.)

The movie was okay. Maybe less than okay. It held together all right on its own; the action was palatable, if over-the-top gory. The effects were decent, discounting the copious fake blood. The video game influence was overtly present and handled as well as could be expected. (Probably the pinnacle of this was the medieval monastery's basement room whose floor, astoundingly, was riddled with buzzsaw traps.)

The real issue with the whole thing was the lack of pacing. Like, seriously...there was none. Things just sort of...happened. One after the other. There was no buildup, no suspense, and no real beginnings or endings, really. This sadly also included an incredibly abrupt and decidedly pornolicious sex scene, which just sort of suddenly took place, and then stopped. And the problem just wasn't one of plot, either; even the dialogue had no rhythm or flow. So without any pacing, there was no real feeling to the film. So because of that, it was really hard to get into it. You just sort of watched it happen; you didn't really care. So all-in-all I have to give this one a thumbs down. That said, though, it did make me want to play the game, so...I guess there's that.

So, there ya go. Next up, of course, the sequel...BloodRayne II: Deliverance. It's BloodRayne...but in the old west! With a vampire Billy the Kid. You know this is going to deliver.

Peace out, everybody.

P.S. FSM bless IMDB. So, in this film, Madsen and Rodriguez are two of a vampire-hunting trio. The third member? Turns out was the dude in Blue Crush. Great.
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