Rob Abrazado (flatvurm) wrote,
Rob Abrazado
flatvurm

My day so far

So I got up normal-early this morning and took the garbage and recycling outside. It's not a bad way to start the day; it kind of makes a weird anchor to the practicalities of the world, a reminder that civilization is not necessarily collapsing all around me. My refuse will be gathered by hardworking people and transported somewhere far away where it doesn't have to concern me. I realize that, by and large, the "civilized" want the same thing to happen to human trash as well, but I suppose that's only natural. Later I took a crap into some perfectly potable water and flushed it all away, again, far off to who-knows-where so it ceases to be my problem. In fact...there are many, many things that aren't my problem. I'm trying to state this fact in as emotionally neutral a way as I can, but there it is. There are many problems in the world, most of which don't actually concern me. I think my little meltdown last night has a lot to do with the conflict I feel about that statement.

On the one hand, it is certainly a blessing that I face as few troubles as I do. On the other hand, there is a certain amount of...guilt, let's say...attached to that sentiment. I sometimes feel unnecessarily privileged, though I realize it's also a commentary on the world around me that the "privilege" I feel at this point stems largely from having a roof over my head, no painful debilitating illnesses, and a life without the fear that I may at any time be subject to random violence, either by my peers or the authorities. When I think of the troubles I do have, though, and feel so overwhelmed by them, I feel very weak and pointless. I feel as if...it should be somehow easy for me to "make it" in the world, whatever that means, and the fact that I'm failing to do so makes me kind of a failure as a human being. I know that's overstating the facts of the matter a bit, but I'm just saying...that's what's inside.

You know...I kinda feel like I'm abandoning this thing mid-thought, which I hate to do, but I'm going to have to abandon this thing mid-thought. All I really wanted to say when I started this post was: it's the next day, and I'm not feeling quite so bad. I know that suddenly sounds hard to believe, but...well, there it is. I want to say thanks to you guys chipping in with your thoughts. Things...aren't as bad as they sound. I mean, for sure I win no awards for suddenly realizing that there's badness in the world. It's just a little bit of a rough time, is all, and the overall theme to my outlook these days is kind of...helpless. A brother can have a few bad days, though, right? It'll be fine...I'm just trying to exorcise some of the things that I'm having trouble getting a handle on. I always appreciate your thoughts and comments, everybody. I'm just sayin'...this isn't all there is. It's just what's on my mind.

P.S. So I figured out why my room has seemed to be so much colder than I expect it to be. It turns out one of my windows was open up at the top where I never look and couldn't see anyway because I always have the blinds drawn. FSM only knows how long it's been like that; to think I've been spending the fall wondering how all these damn mosquitoes were getting in. Anyway, so having addressed that, at least now I probably won't be feeling that mysterious draft any more. See, things are better already.
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