Firstly, though, I remembered that at the end of last week, I had wanted to go into why I took this job in the first place. I don't think it's that big a deal, honestly, because primarily I just need a job, and I had reached the point where I was willing to take pretty much whatever I could get. This job in particular, though, I was attracted to because I thought electronics recycling would be an industry I could get behind, which has become something important for me to think about while job searching. I still think that's the case, but I'm also not 100% sure that this is the way to go about that. So there's that. Also, though, I was aware that I was certainly getting into something way more physical than what I've done in the past, but I was pretty sure I could handle it, and also I thought that whatever I had to learn, I could learn quickly and without any trouble. I may have been overconfident in both of those aspects. One, while I still do think I can handle it, I definitely underestimated the effects that so much labor would have on my body, so...there's that to get used to. Two, I've got to accept that anything, no matter how simple, comes with a learning curve, but more about that later. In short, though, there's the fact that I (foolishly) thought I could just walk into this job and be immediately competent, so...failing to do that has certainly necessitated a little attitude adjustment.
Secondly, about that learning curve... So on my first day, I joked about calling it a win because I didn't cause a catastrophe or kill anyone. My second day showed me that maybe I shouldn't have been so flippant. Part of what I do is assemble cargo pallets, and some of them get transported from the second floor to the first floor via forklift. Well, there is some skill or technique or something to this assembly, something I haven't been taught, by the way, and a pallet that I was partly responsible for kind of fell apart in transit. Thankfully, no one was hurt, and it was just junk anyway, so there wasn't any worry about property damage. But, damn, man, someone could have been seriously injured from that! I was shaken about the whole thing for a little bit afterward. Now, on the one hand, there's plenty of blame to go around on this, but come on...from my point of view, I've never before had so much direct personal consequence be riding on my ability to be good at my job, you know? I mean, shit! What if someone broke their arm? What if someone died?! There's no way I couldn't feel responsible. That was my big wake-up call that I can't afford to take this lightly, even if it is grunt work.
Thirdly, I felt that yesterday I had a little indicator that things are different now. There generally hasn't been a funk that I couldn't at least mitigate, or even completely lift, with a little exercise. A bit of cycling to get the heart rate up, work up a sweat, get some sun and fresh air...that goes a long way toward getting my mind off of troubles. But I did a pretty hard ride yesterday, considering how long it's been since I did any serious cycling, and not only did I not feel better afterward, I really couldn't shake my mind free at all during the ride. So that was a bummer. But it was also a warning to me that I'm in it pretty deep this time around, so...I'm not sure what to do now.
Basically I called today a day of leisure. I did my chores yesterday and think I prepared as well as I can for the week to come, and to me one of the whole points of having a job is to be able to waste my downtime guilt-free, so that's what I'm shooting for today. I wanted to get this entry (or these entries, rather) in there, because FSM knows I probably won't be doing any blogging for a while (or even if I do, it'll almost certainly won't be during the week), but otherwise I'm just trying to keep my mind off things. Not sure it's working, but...hey. You do what you can.