Rob Abrazado (flatvurm) wrote,
Rob Abrazado
flatvurm

What now

Guys, honestly, I've started and erased and restarted this entry several times now, and I still don't really know what I want to say. I feel like I've got a lot to get off my chest, but when I sit down and try to write about it I just freeze up. So try to bear with me as I just try to plow through it all.

I think I am about to enter bad times. Foremost on my mind is the new job, about which I feel a lot of conflict. Before I get into it, let me say that I am aware that this is all still pretty new, and I am not the world record holder in adjusting well to change, so I know that certainly I at least need to give things a little time to settle. But for the moment...I don't feel good about this. I think it was a mistake to take this job. That's the overall feeling I have. I also, though, don't see any other alternative. I've been unemployed about a year now, been looking hard for a couple months, and from my own experience plus the stories of those of you I know are also looking for jobs, I'm lucky to have gotten a chance at anything. So for me to say that I think the job was a mistake also brings with it a lot of guilt and shame, which are also not things that I'm good at dealing with. I'm kind of backed into a corner, here, and I don't have any more room to fuck around. I always grant myself a lot of leeway for fucking around, actually, but I've got to draw a line somewhere, and this is it. So I need the job. I don't like that that's the case, but it is what it is.

Of all the crippling neuroses that I deal with on an irregular basis, the one that crops up the most is that I hate fucking up. This comes up whenever I take on anything new, for example, because learning entails making mistakes, and I sometimes have little freakouts about that. So there's that...starting from scratch is never easy, though I have to say, too, that I'm not exactly embarking on a rocket science career, here, ya know? Anyway, so I'm worried about doing a good job. But that's par for the course. I think this time around, though, I'm also overshadowed by the gloom that I fucked up in a larger sense, that I gave myself way too much leeway for goofing off, and basically I just put myself in this position that I don't want to be in.

In short, I'm coming to grips with having painted myself into a corner. Now...there is nothing to be done about that. It is a core part of my...my ethos?...my morals, I guess you'd say...that I lay in the bed I've made for myself. This is my mess, and I'm going to clean it up. All it takes is to power through the tough times. I mean...that's all anything takes, you know? Just power through.

For most of my adult life, I've tried to keep a good attitude about things. I mean, this is not what you'd call extraordinary circumstances; this is just a normal amount of trying to get through life. I go through this same cycle every few years, frankly. But for some reason, this time it all seems so daunting. Ordinarily...I mean, even if I'm not excited about new beginnings, things aren't usually so bad that they get me down. But this is getting me down. For some reason I just haven't been able to approach this situation with the determination or even optimism that usually helps see me through. It feels...suffocating this time. Crushing.

And somehow...interminable. Like I can feel the weight of the future just squeezing the life out of the present, with no end in sight. I feel like there's nothing left in life but responsibility. I feel...physically sad, if that makes any sense. I feel sadness in my meat...my bones. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. And in saying so, I realize that that particular sentiment isn't really different from how I normally feel about things. It's just that, for some reason, I feel bad about it now.

What gets me about all this is that I can't reason my way out of it. The feelings I'm feeling are very unusual, but nothing about the circumstance is unusual. I mean...sure, it's a lot less than ideal, but that's life, isn't it? It's not like I've encountered any major surprises or setbacks. It's not like I'm being made to deal with anything. It's just... I don't know. It just all feels so hard. And I don't know why.

In any case... At this point I think I'm going to be kinda busy in the near future. And by "busy" I guess I mean "wrapped up in my own head." I'm thinking the best thing to do is to lay low for a little while, I'm thinking maybe a month...month and a half...something...and just let things settle. I mean...that's really all there is to do, right? Adapt. And get on with life. And see what turns up.
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