Rob Abrazado (flatvurm) wrote,
Rob Abrazado
flatvurm

Get back on the horse

I find that, once I spend a chunk of time not blogging, the hardest part about coming back in is that I have the urge to try and catch up on all the stuff I missed blogging about. Then I can't think of anything to catch up on, so then I figure that there's nothing much worth blogging about (and I'm right about that, I believe), so I don't blog, and then this process repeats every so often, and I end up just sitting around not blogging and nothing ever really gets done. So at this point I'm just trying to break the cycle and get a post up.

My sister came down to visit me and Momz today, so that was pretty nice. It was her birthday a few days ago. I phoned her up, but that was about it. She recapped for me later, though, and it sounded like she had a pretty good time, so that's nice. It was good to see her; she pops down every once in a while, and it's always nice to do some catching up. It makes Momz a bit manic, but...I guess that's what family time is for. Anyway, she seems to be doing pretty well, in case any of you wanted to ask after her. She's still working on buying a house. It's still freaking me out. :)

I guess I'm not going to try and do a catchup post. I think my life of late can be summed up pretty neatly. Some days I work. On the days I work, I basically do very little else except sleep and commute. On the days I don't work, I've been playing poker. That carries with it about the same amount of sleeping and commuting, but I get the bonus of a flexible schedule, so that's when I try to fill in the cracks with other stuff. Except there isn't really a lot of other stuff. I try to catch up with online things every once in a while. I fail to blog or respond to e-mails. Then the pattern pretty much repeats. And there ya go.

I'd say work is going as well as can be expected. I've scored pretty well with hours and scheduling and junk, and the money is good enough to keep me afloat, anyway, so I'm not sure I could really ask for more. The sheer financial reality is that I may have to take on a second job to really get my life back on track, but I'm taking small steps and getting settled into my current situation is going well enough for now, so...we'll see. In effect, poker is my second job for the time being. We all know how I am when I'm left to manage myself, though, so...we'll see how that works out in the long term. I use that phrase loosely, by the way...I'm not yet ready to consider real long-term thinking. Just...a bit longer than usual, let's say. So...there's that.

Emotionally I think I've been on a bit of a downswing. I think it's going around. I had a bit of a nutty last weekend. I did my best to deal with it, and I suppose I did. The whack part was going into work the next day, since I was a little scrambled, but it didn't affect my work, so that's fine. It did tinge everything with a strange hue, though. I felt a weird anger...an impulse to randomly lash out. When I go on break, sometimes I walk through the casino to reach the employee break area on the far end of the building. In doing so, I pass among the clientele, and on this particular occasion, I didn't feel like people should just be milling around, apparently uncaring. I felt like punching someone in the stomach. And shouting at them. "Don't you know?! Don't you fucking care?!" Of course, I didn't do any of that. Their problems are not my problems. I left the people alone.

I have, actually, over the past few months been thinking a lot about feelings. My own, largely. I'm not, I don't think, what you'd really call a person emotionally in touch. For the most part, I have more occasion to be glad about that than not. The sheer irrationality of strong emotion kinda freaks me out. I've learned not to fight it, though...that just seems to get me even more screwed up. But I've gained something of a better understanding, I guess, or at least a kind of detachment. I can look at myself and say, "Damn...that's some crazy shit right there," and I understand that it's crazy, and I try and see what I can do about it. Not a lot, frankly, but I keep telling myself that it will pass, and I sit and marvel at the way I can get all twisted around. I let the feelings come. I mean...what else can I do? But I try not to act out. I don't know if this is right or wrong, really. But it's what I do. And not often, either, I hasten to point out. I think I have a lot of emotional inertia, is what it is. I've been at rest for quite some time. Just...it seems like I've gotten moving lately. Urgh.

And I guess this is all pretty vague, too. I'm not even sure how much I want to go into it. At this point I think I'm just continuing so I can hear myself type. Sometimes it's just gotta be that way. I'll skip the earlier stuff. I'm pretty sure I know what started this ball rolling, but in the end, who can say, really. Emotional memory is a bitch. (Thanks, patchwork human psyche.) I do know, though, that lately I've been feeling the separation. I feel...unfocused, somehow, like I'm not really paying attention. In a way, my eyes have kind of glazed over. I spend a lot of time these days just...making it through the day, and that turns into making it through the week, and so on and so on until I'm just kind of making it through life. I feel like time is sort of getting eaten up. I guess that's pretty much the point. I mean...in another light, I'm just being patient. I have goals I have to work toward, and that's where I am right now...I'm in the "working toward" phase. The finish line is so godawful far away, though, that I can't even think about it. I'm just trying to keep on moving; I'm not really thinking about where I am.

I realize this is totally unZen of me. I am, I suppose, trying to ignore the now. I think part of that is out of necessity. I mean...the necessity of my life. You know...part of this might have a lot to do with spreadsheets. I'm keeping spreadsheets. It's part of the budgeting thing; I'm watching money coming in and money going out. Everything's broken down into discrete little chunks and numbers. Today I made this much at work and spent that much on food. My financial existence is now all neatly recorded and analyzable at a glance. It's a very small step, psychologically, to think that that's all there really is. I'm just some tool pushing numbers around. Day after day. It's all here in this datasheet. There's really not a lot there to spark one's imagination, know what I'm sayin'? :) Anyway...another part of it is just...well, I don't really know what to call it. Dullness? I'm not, I don't think, very prone to getting bored. I do a lot of sitting around, you know? It's just...what I do. But, and this may surprise you, it seems that spending all of one's waking hours in a casino can start to get old. :) Not that I don't enjoy it, both professionally and, uh, semi-professionally, but...come on. :) So one day is pretty much like the last, and they all run together, and then you sort of lose track. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. So I guess I stop paying attention, since it gets a little easier to handle like that.

The other facet of recent experience has been a bit harder to get a handle on, but I think I figured it out at some point. And you gotta know...this has been a completely weird thing to realize, let alone say. But I think...I think I'm just feeling your standard, garden-variety lonely. I mean...for shame! Me? Bizarre. But I'm pretty sure that's what it is. And what's really strange about it is that...I think this was brought on by interacting with more people. Between work and gambling (and also the fair amount of crossover between those two populations, apparently), I've been meeting people. And getting to know them, or at least repeatedly speaking to them, has sort of...highlighted the people I'm not talking to, if that makes sense. My old friends and such. And it's like...then I start to grok the separation; the fake little imaginary stasis bubble I inhabit when I'm on my own is popped, and I understand that there are whole lives going on out there that I'm not really a part of any more. And then I just feel kind of run-down and ineffectual and...well...I don't know. Lost, somehow. Forgotten. And believe me when I say that I understand that this is one of those times where I can look inward and see that irrational things are happening, and yet even with that understanding I still feel these things. Dig? I understand that there are thoughts in my head that make no sense, and yet I know I'm thinking them anyway. It's in this way that I think I'm beginning to get insight into the heads of crazy people. God I hate this shit. :)

Anyway. So here we have two apparently commonplace feelings that I've never really readily associated with myself: boredom and loneliness. And for what? As near as I can figure, it's in the pursuit of some fantasy life where in the future, I have no cares and am free to frolic and fritter away as much of my life as I care to. This is, as near as I can figure, pretty retarded. But a man can dream. I've always said so. But as I'm learning, things get pretty hairy when you try and blend dreams with reality. So it goes.

In any case...what my oh-so-valuable detached introspection is failing to tell me is whether I'm feeling these things for any particular reason, or if I'm just in some kind of slump. Or both, I suppose. I know as well as anyone (and I'm sure many of you reading this know, too) what a rut will do to someone. It's a perfectly natural thing to grow to feel dissatisfied. Hell...it's natural to be dissatisfied; of course you'll feel it. It still puts ants in your pants, though, that's all I'm sayin'.

And after all that, I don't think there's really a lot I can say about the future, frankly. :) Well...the immediate future might shake things up a bit, actually. The rest of the week should pan out pretty normally, I think, but early next week Momz is putting up some houseguests, so I've gotta make myself scarce for a couple days. I was thinking of making it a kind of mini-sabbatical, actually, taking the opportunity to kind of step out of life for a bit and see what I see. That's the kind of thing that I think might actually be useful. I think everyone wants to (and should) do it once in a while, so it's always nice to have the opportunity. So who knows...maybe that will allow me a little perspective shift or something. Surely it should allow me a chance to collect myself. Looking forward to it, really.

Until then, though...the usual. Work tomorrow, probably a lot of domestic prep on Thursday for my absence, then the black hole of the weekend. The hope is, I guess, that thing'll be different after Monday or Tuesday or so. And even if not...well, I'll see if I can't try and blog anyway. :) So, somehow, some way, catchya later, everybody. Peace!
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