Rob Abrazado (flatvurm) wrote,
Rob Abrazado
flatvurm

"I'm a failure in the eyes of the prophet!"

Okay, so...I know that several days have elapsed since I posted a life update, but I cannot for the life of me figured out what happened to them. Or during them. I know at some point I swung by A.C. and dropped by the new instance of my old poker dealing class, so see my old teacher and some ex-classmates. I know I largely failed to keep as nocturnal a schedule as I wanted to. I know this is largely psychological, but I find I'm getting out of bed in the mornings out of guilt. Like...I wake up at some point and glance at the clock and think, "Shit! I'm sleeping the day away," and I'll get up. But...I'm really not. Sleeping the day away, I mean. Well, I am...but I'm supposed to, cuz I need to be up at night. Oh, well. Tomorrow night, like it or not, my hours'll be late ones, so...I guess I'm going to adjust regardless. :)

Somehow, and I really don't know how, I'm getting the impression that I've managed to shrink my effective day. Like...I just feel like I don't have as much time as I used to. I don't know why this is. I can feel TV creep coming through, though, so...there's at least that I can address. I think, though, that also it has to do with when my free time shakes out. Like...in the past, I think I was able to do more with my time in the kind of morning-ish hours. Nowadays, my time to myself is now shifting toward the late late hours. This is fine for using the 'Net, I guess, since the household is asleep and no one's going to be using the phone and my 'puting is basically a silent activity, but it's poor for actually thinking, since I'm sleepy and want to go to bed. Honestly, this is the kind of mindset where I think I'd like to be watching TV, but...I worry about the noise. Reading would be good, I guess. Blogging...not so much, it turns out. You either get nothing, like this week, or...well, stupid posts like this one. I'm not sure which I prefer.

One strange side-effect of moving my hours around is that I've found myself being weaned off my habitual coffee. Strange feeling, but...I've found it to be not so bad an adjustment. For one thing, it made it easier for me to sleep at different times, apparently, but also it means caffeine may actually start being effective for me again, which will be quite helpful when I'm trying to work a later shift than I've prepared for with mere sleep-habit changes. :) One good thing is that I'm still nervous enough at work that I don't think I'm yet in danger of sleepiness affecting my work. Actually, that's never been the major concern. The major concern is staying awake for the busride home and making sure I don't miss my damn stop, because that would certainly ruin my day. So far, so good.

There are these traditional annual gatherings of poker players at various locations around the country. They're basically like cons, but for poker. Anyway, the Atlantic City one is coming up. I remember when it came around last year, I figured then that by the time the next one came around, I was sure I'd be employed or somehow financially stable and a decent enough player to try to attend. Now that that time has come, I'm actually significantly saddened to find that neither is really the case. So it goes.

I've been fighting a certain amount of negativity lately...maybe the last day or so. It's something like...half insecurity and half despair. Insecurity...I'm getting nerves about the job. I really try not to worry about it, but I keep picking at it even though I know it's bad to do so. I just don't want to fuck up...that's pretty much it. I'm really hoping I iron some things out this weekend; I realized at some point that I'm walking into this weekend not exactly knowing what it is I'm going to be doing, or expected to be doing, I guess is more accurate. Not that it matters that I know now...know what I mean? I'm going to find out when I report in. It's just a mental thing...it's not like skill-wise they're going to ask anything of me that hasn't been asked before, or even that I haven't been trained for, really. There aren't a lot of surprises that can be waiting for me, is what I'm saying. I'm not even sure what I'm so worked up about. But I just am...it's my funny little way. I think that somehow, some way, this is an opportunity for people to laugh and/or yell at me. The prospect of either makes me uncomfortable. You know...in that special way. As for the despair...I guess it's just feeling the pressures of my financial situation, wondering if I'll ever be able to dig out, feel good, play poker again, get on with my life...stuff like that. I'm like psyching myself out to burn out before I've even gotten started. Dumb. I'm tired and weak. I should go to bed, but I'm kind of afraid to...thinking it's too early. I should just learn how to nap...that would probably solve a lot of issues. :)

Anyway...whatever. Just the jitters. Life jitters. No biggie in the scheme of things, it just eats at my guts for the time being. Silly, I know...but still there. Not sure why I expected blogging to help, but...oh well. I guess it does a bit. Knowing how silly this all must sound makes the silliness a little more real, so...maybe that means easier to deal with. At the end of the day, I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. For all the anxiety...there's nothing to be done about it except quit. And that would be even sillier. :) So there it is...the lesser of two sillinesses. Such is life.

Anyhoo. I'll prolly feel better in the morning. Whatever "morning" is supposed to be these days. I think I'll stay up for a while and read. Yeah. :) Peace, everybody. Smell ya later!
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