Rob Abrazado (flatvurm) wrote,
Rob Abrazado
flatvurm

Still not quite there

Not sure what's going on with me. I had to take a very long walk today, as I wasn't feeling quite right in the head. I'm still basically wading through some uncomfortable emotional territory, so that's enough to keep a brother off-balance. And speaking of brothers...my sister is quite likely going to be buying a house; we found out today that the bank accepted her offer. In the grand scheme of the house-buying process, I admit I don't exactly know what that means, but regardless, she's buying a house. The more I think on that, the more completely weird it makes me feel. I'm feeling...outpaced. And that makes me tired. And that makes me want to stop moving. And that's...well, not a good idea, right?

I know this isn't very Zen of me, but I've been getting carried away lately by my emotional states. Not just this latest fun, either...probably for the last few weeks I've been getting more emotional than usual. Why? I really couldn't say. Quite recently I think I've just been under the influence of a shift in lifestyle, which always tips things a little bit. I've been trying to skate by on less food, which I know disturbs my balance. Also less entertainment, which...I don't know, sort of makes my mind race more during idle times, I guess. But I know it started a bit earlier than those changes can account for. I've been fighting a lot of paranoia lately. Not, like, hardcore paranoia, but I'm realizing I'm prone to a kind of social paranoia, so I've been trying to talk myself down from that kind of nonsense. Also...I guess the upcoming dealing gig is, well, upcoming. I do the training day and orientation in just a couple days...Wednesday, in fact. I start working the next week. It's actually not stressing me, that I can tell. Unlike most situations of new workage, I actually feel competent going in to this situation. Plus it's a brief temp gig...even if it could somehow get bad, it would be brief. So, yeah...the parts of me that I've been able to explore aren't worried about the gig. It must be something else.

Or maybe not. Maybe it's just one of those things. I mean...in the absence of any particularly glaring stressors, I can't begin to imagine what's knocked me off balance like this. It needn't be anything, I guess...might just be one of those times. I feel whack about it, though...I'm experiencing the sudden and stark realization that I don't have a place to retreat to. Which is kind of a big deal for me. My home is not a sanctum for me, and while that's basically tolerable when I'm doing okay, it kinda sucks when I need a place to hole up. And so, failing that, I basically have no outlet for myself. I'm broke and can't escape anywhere or do anything. I just go for walks, pretty much. The weather sucked today, by the way. Just sayin'.

Anyway...so this is it, my chance to vent. You know...seriously, there are things going on here, I guess, that I just can't talk about. Which probably matters more than I'm willing to accept at this point. Basically stuff between me and my mom. Nothing bad...it's just...stuff. I just need to maintain a little focus, I think. Keep my eyes on the prize, sort of thing. Job. Apartment. Like that.

God, this makes me crazy. This is just not the time, you know? Heh...but what is the time, right? Anyway, fuck it. There's not really anything at stake here, frankly. Just feeling fucked up and bitching about it. Them's the breaks. Miraculously, I may actually get the house to myself for a while tonight; I will attempt to cocoon and see what emerges. Onward!
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